Category Archives: Hope

The opposite of nostalgia

As you all know, I’ve been doing a lot of playing (violin) lately.  Wednesday night before the opera started I realized that there was something wrong with my right shoulder…kind of the same wrong that there was approximately a year ago.  By Thursday morning I knew it was the same thing, so unlike last year, when I ignored it for awhile until it got REALLY bad, I decided to go ahead and start with the rest and ice.  Of course, I’ve got to finish this opera and today I have a lot of weddings, but other than that (ha!) I’m not making the exact same mistakes. 

I still haven’t gone to the doctor.  I know some people will recommend that, but I have the exact same hesitations as before.  You know, stubborn and convinced I know what is best for me, plus cheap, and presuming aside from surgery there is nothing that can really be done beyond rest and ice.  And as Mike put in, as much ibuprofen as I can stomach.  (He qualified that statement by saying, I’m not a doctor so don’t necessarily take my advice.)

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But I’m not letting it get me down. I’ve been down enough since mid-to-late-February, and a little forced respite isn’t going to bother me. There’s some other big news that’s happening (I am going to be one of those annoying bloggers who hints at things they can’t say, but I can’t say right now, not for a month) that will mean some changes (job-wise, no, I’m not pregnant, because I re-read and saw that if you were obsessed with whether or not I were having a baby you would assume I meant that).  It’s the fun of being a freelancer!  Every once in awhile you get to reinvent yourself.  Downside: every once in awhile you HAVE to reinvent yourself.

I still love my Grand Adventure post from two years ago. I wrote that right after we were really really hopeful about a job opportunity for Chris, and it just didn’t happen the way we wanted. We’re still alive, and doors keep opening and shutting in front of us. Opening just enough for us to see through, and then shutting as soon as we are about to go through them…

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Inspirational Photos

I realized that I’ve been a pretty light blogger in terms of posts lately.  Maybe you are okay with that—maybe it’s better if I don’t blog as often.  But honestly, I’ve just been sick, and thanks to a suggestion on my post the other day (Hi Dad!) I’ve decided not to sweat the small stuff and PRIORITIZE. 

That means I only care about the audition.  The rest of the stuff, whatever.  No offense Opera or CPSTL, but you’ll be fine.  Other things I’ve learned in the past two days:  taking about a week off practicing is evidently just not that big of a deal.  (Not good things to know, and any students reading this, um, that’s for when you’ve been playing for a really long time like me!)  I didn’t even feel like I’d backtracked.  So while I’ve lost approximately a week of forward progress, I’m not also making up for backwards progress. 

The good news is that I’m not sick of all the audition music yet.  Usually by this point I’d be both hating my life and hating the music.  Now it’s still fresh and I’m not totally burned out yet.  Maybe this is brilliant and okay!

Oh, and I did make time earlier in the week to do a variety of “inspirational” photos.  I get so sick and tired of seeing these posted on facebook and other websites…to be fair I was still really sick that morning so it doesn’t count as failing at time management 😉

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The idea came to me during a twitter conversation…anyway you can see this is brilliant.

So then people started making requests. 

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Send me a picture of you, I’ll make it “inspirational!”

Go enter my two giveaways.  Slippers and Pain Relief Cream

Have a great weekend!  What are you doing for the SuperBowl?  I have a double opera rehearsal!  You can argue that I detest football, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love a good SuperBowl party, or any occasion for make unhealthy dips and chili.  Oh well.  Worky work!

Willpower and Self Control

Guess what happens when you go from working out 6 to 9 hours a week to working out 1 to 3 hours a week, and instead of compensating by eating less or BETTER, you eat a little more and WORSE.  Yup.  Up 3 pounds in three weeks. 

This can be remedied.  I do have willpower and self control. I have just been giving myself permission to eat junk rather than eating healthy.  I’ve been telling myself that I’m having a rough month, I deserve it.  As Mike once said, we aren’t dogs.  We don’t need to reward ourselves with food. 

And honestly, gaining a few pounds certainly isn’t helping me feel any better.  I already feel bad enough that I can’t practice, that I can’t work out the way I want to, and what I really want is to LOSE pounds, not gain them.  So it’s adding insult to injury.  It might just be a scale blip though.  This can go away quickly—I ate out too much the past few days and I’m sure it’s mainly just from that.  A few days of good clean eating will make it go away.

I do have willpower and self control.  I would just rather be working out 6 to 9 hours a week.  Makes it easier.

And now I am also sick.  I had a sore throat last night and slept terribly because it hurt so much.  It’s a little better today but is now accompanied by a (sinus) headache.  Ugh.  I am going to teach a few classes and then coming home to lie on the couch and watch television the rest of the day. 

Every day is a new day, with new decisions and choices.  Then again…the cold medicine is making me blurry…I’ll probably end up getting Pho for dinner 🙂

Online bake sale starts now!

What: Baking BeCAUSE Online Auction

Where: www.sweettaterblog.com

When: Wednesday 11/16 from 10am EST to 10pm EST

Benefitting: Beards BeCAUSE for the United Family Services Shelter for Battered Women

Twitter hashtag: #BakingBeCAUSE

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You know you want a loaf of this.  Go bid!  Proceeds go to help battered woman (of which I swear I’m not, that band-aid was totally covering a pimple!).  Okay, that’s probably a completely inappropriate joke. 

Oh well.  You know me.  As my mother told me, I take after my father.  Sometimes people don’t realize we’re joking.  In this case I am joking.  Whatever.  I can make jokes, at least I am donating my delicious chocolate chip pumpkin bread to charity, right?  You’ll love it!  Go bid!!  There’s lots of stuff up for sale.

Also the author of the blog has two awesome cats.  I used to have two awesome cats.  Now I have one.

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Though I have to admit I’m a little miffed at her this morning.  She was super annoying and spent a good hour trying to wake me up by making little noises and slowly moving stuff around.

Don’t worry, we aren’t about to forget!

After the attacks, everybody wanted to share their stories.  Where were you?  What were you doing?  Did we really care where anybody else was?  Not really, I think everybody just wanted to share their own story…and ten years later, we’re doing it again.  With a bit more perspective, but only a bit.

September 11 means something different to anyone who lost a loved one.  I can’t imagine that pain.  The senseless loss.  The collective mourning, but yet…your loss being so personal.  I cannot imagine.  The rest of us, the lucky ones, we all experience September 11 in a completely different way.

I am having a tough time with the ten year anniversary.  Not because of the reminder of the attacks, because, well, frankly, who has forgotten?  Nobody has forgotten.  It’s not a reminder of that.  It’s a reminder of ten years passing by and feeling like a blink.  For me it’s a reminder of who I was then and who I am now…so much the same and yet so different.

Ten years ago I had just finished up school.  I attended the Cleveland Institute of Music for college and then stayed on to do my graduate work as well.  I won a position with the Charlotte Symphony on May 21, 2001, (read my orchestra auditions post for more information on that process!) and spent the summer in Cleveland working part time and hanging out with my friends, including Sarah, who will be one of my bridesmaids and has been my best friend since the summer of 1998.  Chris and I had been dating for just over two years and we were having trouble deciding whether or not to make a go of it long-distance.  I wanted to, he was apprehensive.  We did agree to continue dating.

I moved to Charlotte in chunks.  I didn’t own any real furniture to speak of other than a small wooden futon, but I had music, books, clothing, and naturally (it was 2001) CD’s and videos.  My father had been up during the summer and I had loaded down his car with some boxes of stuff.  I went down to visit at some point in the summer and found a place to live in Charlotte.

I could dig out my calendar and find the real timetable, but a few days before September 11 I left Cleveland and went to Charlotte to sign my lease and drop some stuff off at my apartment.  I then drove two hours to my parents’ house and planned to load up some more things, including some furniture they were giving me, and was going to drive up again on September 11.  The following day I had a meeting with the personnel manager of the orchestra, then a few more days to get organized and perhaps visit my parents again, before work started the following week.  Like I said, I don’t remember the exact timetable.

I was 23 years old.  I was young, fresh-faced, idealistic, and was just at the beginning of my career.  I planned to do some teaching, but hadn’t done much yet.  I couldn’t WAIT to use my violin skills in an awesome professional orchestra.  I felt incredibly lucky to have won a job, and yet thought really highly of myself as well for having done so.  I still called adults by Mr. and Mrs. insert last name, and I had never really lived on my own before.  (dramatic statement ahead) I felt as if I had my whole life in front of me, and the possibilities were endless, limitless, and amazing.  I really couldn’t wait to start my job.  I was…king of the world!  (Okay, I”m sorry I said that.  But I’m not taking it back.  I really felt like that!)

The morning of September 11 my parents went to work.  I was in my old bedroom (it later became Carrie’s, I think, but not yet) and was woken up repeatedly by the phone ringing.  I remember being annoyed because I wanted to sleep in.  I got up around 10:30 am, checked my email (AOL dial up), even sent a few emails to friends (I didn’t have my own computer, so this was my last chance for awhile), and got into my car.

I drove a bit and then turned on NPR after a few miles.  You can imagine my shock.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  I drove for two hours to Charlotte in fear and confusion.  By the time I hit the road both towers had already fallen.  I couldn’t get through to anyone on my cell phone, so I just decided to continue on through to Charlotte, get there, hook up the television and antenna, and figure out my next move.  I finally left a message for Chris but didn’t get to talk to him for hours.

I didn’t really understand the scope of it until I unloaded my car in Charlotte.  I plugged in the television and antenna, and it was then I saw my first footage of the planes going into the buildings, the buildings on fire, and ultimately, the buildings collapsing.

I did finally get in touch with Chris and some other friends as well.  My mom had been calling the house all morning, to tell me to get up, turn on the TV, and maybe to not go to Charlotte.  I can’t remember if I stayed the night in Charlotte or if I drove back that night, but I remember spending at least two days at home on the couch with my mother watching Peter Jennings on ABC.  Peter Jennings brought us through the disaster.  (When he died a few years ago I felt true pain because I felt so connected to him during this time.)

We all know the rest of the story of 9/11.  For weeks we all were afraid something else would happen.  We as a people considered giving up so many liberties and privileges (and did give up many things) in exchange for “safety.”  But that’s not the subject of this post.

What is the rest of my story?  Obviously I’m not in Charlotte anymore.  I learned quickly that my concept of what a professional orchestra career would be like was very different from my reality.  I was SO excited.  I remember how disappointed I was FROM DAY ONE in my job.  Nobody cared.  Nobody tried to play well.  I kept taking auditions.  I wanted to get out, to move one.  One member of the orchestra told me I needed to just settle down and realize that this was as far as I was going to get.  I was 24 years old at that time!  Give up????  I haven’t given up ten years later—I am not ever going to give up and settle in my life, but I sure as heck wasn’t going to do at 24.

After two years, I left.  One of the things I am most proud of with myself is my ability to LEAVE things and people that make me unhappy.  I’m a quitter, in a way, but I quit things for myself, for my own happiness, to start something new and better.  I’ve never regretted leaving the Charlotte Symphony.  I’m sure it’s a different place now—I know some people play there now and really enjoy it, and that’s great for them.  It wasn’t for me.

I went back to Cleveland, where I started freelancing and teaching like a madman.  I learned how to make opportunities for myself, how to teach children, how to deal with people (well, still working on that) and how to work 70 hour weeks.  Was Cleveland awesome?  No.  But I put together a basically full-time orchestra and teaching career and made enough money to do what I wanted to do, more than enough money.

But then we moved to St Louis.  My career here is VERY slow. And that hurts, so much of the time.  But I feel like things are starting to turn around.  I love this blog.  I am really liking my new teaching job, which could become full-time, if I want a full-time job.  I LOVE playing with Chamber Project St Louis, and I have so many more interests and varied friendships than I ever have.

I miss orchestra playing most of the time though—it leaves a void that I keep trying to fill and fail to do so—but I need to remember that I am only 33 and who KNOWS where I (we) will be in ten years.  On the 20th anniversary of 9/11, I plan to look back and see how much farther I have come, and I hope I am more proud of myself.  I would make some goals for myself, but I prefer to take things as they come.  You never know what life is going to throw at you or what opportunities will present themselves, but you can be ready to go with the flow and do what needs to be done.

The other day a friend of mine told me I would always do well in life because I was the most resourceful person she knew.  It meant so much to me to hear that.  I think that’s a strength I often forget I have, that I will come up with solutions to problems, and that I am not afraid of hard work and trying new things to get to where I need to be.

Let us go forward from today with hope and love for our fellow humans.  I saw this quote on a friend’s twitter this morning:

Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered…just 1 kind word to another person. -Mr. Rogers

Labor Dabor

Just an FYI that this week will likely be light on blogging.  It’s a busy week and I can already tell I’m not going to be feeling it.  Got two concerts, possible dad visit, plus the usual teaching and ocarina trio rehearsals.  Plus some other stuff that I’m working on.

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Hadn’t thought about Homestar in awhile but my sister Leslie posted this link on my facebook today.  Watch it.  And if you are new to Homestar, he will change your life.  Or something.

Like I said, have a good week.  I’ll pop in if I can manage. 

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