Last night didn’t turn out as planned. Louie and I were planning to go to the benefit concert after he finished at work. It was freezing raining a bit (freeze-raining, freezing rain?) and the traffic was bad…we got in the car and headed out and the roads were bad. After it took us 15 minutes to go one block, and then Louie had to brake to let a car back up, and we slid slowly for a long time and only by sheer luck and excellent, gutsy driving into the center lane did we avoid yet another $500 deductible on the car this year…we decided to give up and go home. Another few blocks, some sliding, and home safe.

I feel like St Louis wants to pretend the city doesn’t need to shut down due to inclement weather but doesn’t want to put in the street treating required. I know some people said the ice was a surprise but I had heard it as the forecast in the morning. Sigh. I sound grumpy, don’t I? It was an abrupt end to my year of performances, and while I’m not on vacation yet, I’m on a practicing vacation until after the holidays! I hope things don’t get too bad overnight because I have a wedding gig in the morning (I know, weird) and then a reception and then an evening concert, so it’s a full day of doing stuff…either way it’ll be really cold. Today I’m just at home—I had two parties to go to, and even got an amazing “ugly sweater” for the second one, but I am calling it, and staying in, in the warmth and safety. Our front steps iced over by 3 pm and as much as I love seeing friends (I swear I do) I don’t want to risk the auto damage.

So here we are. Blogging again.

Honest question: do you think I worry and/or stress out too much? Sometimes I feel like I’m very high-strung. Other times I feel it’s the nature of this profession, and yet other times I feel like I’m too laid back and need to be more organized and procrastinate less. Perhaps the fact that I’m asking this question gives me the answer.

I have to say: I’m really looking forward to vacation. But I’m also really looking forward to next semester. It should be slightly less intense than this fall was, but still lots of fun and challenging.

I’m thinking about this year in review. I suppose it’s time to really evaluate the good and the bad. It’s been quite a ride, and overall a really difficult year. But that’s life: it goes on, things are hard, you have moments of clarity and wonder.

Time to veg, watch some Man in the High Castle, and who knows what else. How is your weekend on this, the last weekend before Christmas?

I had a conference call this morning. For some of you that might be really normal, but it was definitely outside the norm for me. It’s for a committee I’m serving on for the American String Teachers Association, and I mostly listened—it was really interesting hearing from some “big name” teachers. Hopefully they won’t regret allowing me on the committee! I have been trying to get more involved lately in the  “community” of string teachers/private music teachers and this is part of it. I suppose I am also a somewhat experienced teacher and have things to offer as well, but I still feel like I know nothing (like Jon Snow) and that I have SO much to learn.

Then I practiced, taught a student at Wash U and now I’m about to teach a whole bunch of students here at home. If I reflect on it, I am really enjoying my college teaching and hope to have a few more students in the spring. I still love my home teaching, but it’s been pretty nice to get out of the house more often (it pains me to say that) and it’s nice to have to wear shoes. Though it’s also nice NOT to have to wear shoes, so I think it’s the variety that interests me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not giving anything enough of my time, but I suspect most people feel like that, and so I’m in good company. I’m trying to focus on not getting stressed out and just staying focused and making sure I know what day it is. (Just kidding. Well, sort of. At work this morning I did have a moment of worrying I had shown up a day early.)

The thing is, I really enjoy most of the work that I do. It just has been causing me a lot of stress, for whatever reason. I feel like performing has been extra stressful lately, maybe because I feel like I’ve been holding myself to really high standards. Which sounds ridiculous, but the farther I get from making a living playing music (I’d have to run the numbers, but it’s definitely closer to 1/4 than 1/2 or more that it’s been in the past) the more I feel I’m playing violin better than ever. It either feels like a big irony of life, or that I should be taking auditions. To be honest, the more I talk to people with orchestra jobs, I’m glad I’m not taking auditions. Often they are just complaining or acting like they are loads better than everybody else (sorry guys, that’s how you are coming across to a lot of us freelancers) and it doesn’t make me wistful. I am wistful for more money, but I think that that is a normal human thing

Probably I sound jealous, but I’m not. I’m happy with how things are going, and I’m looking forward to knowing that the future isn’t going to be as planned, and that’s okay! Whenever I start to feel stuck, life has a way of throwing new opportunities at me. Or I run after them. Is that enough ridiculous metaphors/vagueness for you? I’m not even talking about anything, I’m really ONLY being metaphorically vague.

Please keep reading

As one does with holidays, I was thinking about Thanksgivings in the past…lately I haven’t been overly sentimental. Life goes forward, and while looking back to make sure one is growing and on the right path is good, looking back with rose colored glasses might be detrimental.

Can I take a few minutes here to complain about the term Friendsgiving? And no offense meant to a certain friend who invited me to one the term annoys me though! The holiday is Thanksgiving, not Familysgiving…therefore it stays Thanksgiving no matter what. If you celebrate it with a bunch of strangers, if you celebrate with family, if you celebrate it with friends (or a mix) it’s still the same. The whole idea is that you get together, enjoy a big meal and feel grateful that you are able to do that. We could get into the politics of Thanksgiving with the Native Americans, but I think it’s fairly easy to agree that we as a country treated Native Americans really badly and continue to…but what can we do about that? I don’t ask that rhetorically either. (Then again it’s also fairly easy to agree that all people should be treated equally regardless of gender, race, nationality, sexual preference…but yet here we are, fighting so hard for that. I think that MOST people do agree, and those that don’t are either really loud or really soft…and I won’t be celebrating Thanksgiving with them, and I’m frankly glad about that.)

Rant over

Last day of teaching until next Monday! My flight to Phoenix tomorrow is REALLY early, which is one of those “seems like a good idea at the time” things…it will be good because we get to attend a luncheon at my niece’s preschool upon arrival, and then the whole day can be dedicated to making Martha’s Mac and Cheese and pies and such. And then several days of relaxing and enjoying the warmer weather (it has been chilly here for a few days and I just can’t take it anymore!).

Time to finish getting ready, practice, teach, and pack. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Random thoughts: (as always)

I can’t believe it’s almost Thanksgiving! The weather has been so warm (hot, almost) that fall still seemed to be somewhere in the distant future. Between that, stress, being overly busy, suddenly I’m two days away from traveling and feel like I’m forgetting a million things.

This fall has been a unique time. I know everybody thinks they are super busy and stressed out (and if not, congrats!) and I’m no exception, but I think I’ve overdone it. I also think the added political stress hasn’t helped. I’m trying to work with that. Humor helps, as always. Alec Baldwin on SNL is a life saver to counteract it all, for instance.

I seem to only be blogging once a week, which isn’t great. It’s fine, but writing is a little bit of an outlet for me and I think I need to make a point to do it more often. I’ve been getting overwhelmed and frankly probably been a little depressed. I haven’t been running due to a variety of factors, including but not limited to hurting my other foot somehow (I came home from the August trip with a hurt right foot from a fall).

We did manage to get a lovely hike in yesterday at Greensfelder State Park though! One commenter asked me to rate my favorite hikes in the area, and I’ll have to think about that further, but I love Castlewood State Park, the Lewis and Clark Trail (must return and do the longer loop!) and we find ourselves at Greensfelder a fair amount too. There’s not a whole lot of gorgeous scenery there, but the fall colors are still nice, and now that the bugs are gone (fingers crossed at least, are they gone?) hiking in the woods is much more pleasant.

I have three more solo/chamber music performances this calendar year, so I’m practicing hard for those. I also have quite a few choral/orchestra performances and various other gigs, of course, as the holidays are here or at least approaching, and that means extra work (!!). I’m looking forward to having a little downtime over the winter holidays, doing some traveling, doing some relaxing, maybe some de-cluttering in the house, check shredding (this is an actual thing I have to do occasionally), who knows what else.

One thought: as a freelance musician and private teacher, I often feel like my fancy conservatory education has gone to waste. I see former classmates doing amazing things, playing around the world, playing with major orchestras, and then there’s me. But when I wipe my eyes, I see other classmates doing what I’m doing…it may not have the glory, but it is still a successful career in music. We are in the trenches so to speak, teaching the kids, playing for the people, and while our paychecks might be small (and many), we are still making the world a better place through music. This is my goal in life. I want to make the world a better place, and I must not let the lack of glory and public acknowledgement stop me from continuing to help kids love the violin, to make a newly married couple happy, to play to a small crowd at a local venue…

Music does bring us together. We attended a very full symphony concert Saturday night. The program was very emotional: a piece by John Adams written after 9/11 and Mozart’s Requiem. One of my students was singing in the choir for the Adams, which was really neat to see. I definitely was very emotional during the concert. It’s been an emotional time.

I am trying to make a dentist appointment but I guess shortly after open on Monday isn’t the best time. I was on hold for over 5 minutes before giving up. I gave up mostly because every few seconds there was a long beep. I can’t believe I made it 5 minutes, but I felt bad hanging up. My insurance is changing at the end of the year so I wanted to get another appointment in since I’ve paid for it! I’ll try again shortly.

Does anybody else keep a to do list on their phone? I put everything on there, and make sure to check it several times a day. I realized I went about a week without doing that (back the other week, post-election blues) but I’m crawling out further now, step by step. Life goes on, the resistance is not futile, and hey, there’s evidently a new Harry Potter movie? Is it good?

The other day Louie asked if I felt like I just had so much free time now that my recital is over. I thought about it, and realized, well, no. BUT before the recital I was putting off a whole bunch of things and just barely getting by. Now I don’t have any extra time but I’m actually accomplishing what I need to get done instead of just kicking it down the road. I’ve been working on a variety of projects that I’d been letting pile up.

We hear a lot these days about busy-ness and how being “busy” isn’t good. I do think that a certain amount of busy-ness makes one feel productive. I am not looking to be busy for the sake of being busy, nor do I think that “busy” is a great answer to “how are you?” but I definitely feel more productive and useful to society when I’m doing things rather than sitting around watching TV. I assume that’s true for most people.

I had a dream the other night that Louie became president. Of the United States. Over Hillary Clinton. She was his vice-president and was pretty ticked off that he entered the race at the last minute and beat him. I was pumped because I was the First Lady and we moved into the White House. (Louie was less than excited about being president.) Anyway, in my dream what happened was a lot of folks started asking me to play various things on the violin—concertos with orchestras, and lots of concerts with my quartet. Really, it was quite funny. Suddenly as First Lady (which is also funny since I’m not actually married to Louie) I was in great demand as a violinist. And our quartet was playing so many concerts, using all our repertoire and having  a great time!

We are going to a wedding this weekend in Owensville, Missouri. I’m looking forward to getting out of town for a few days (just a short time since it’s not terribly far away.) I’ll tell you about it in a few months . The wedding is for some friends of Louie’s, though I’ve met them. It is at a winery and should be quite fun.

Friday night we went to an event at the Ritz-Carlton for Louie’s job. We had decided to go because…free dinner at the Ritz! We sat through some interesting speeches (well, ranging from interesting to not-as-interesting) and then had a very nice dinner with salad, salmon, and dessert. We didn’t know anybody there, really, but another couple joined us (and then some more) who were VERY friendly. I’ll tell you though: please feel free to talk about your kids but don’t assume you know my situation. Not everybody wants to have kids, not everybody plans to have kids, not everybody CAN have kids, and when you’ve just met somebody, you don’t know where they fit in and I think it’s rude to assume. Personally I think there are more interesting things to talk about that my relationship and uterine status…then again, it’s not like this blog is that interesting either, so maybe I’m wrong!

A handful of students participated in the Arch Cup over the weekend. They did a great job! I played piano with them all, and I did okay too. I’m thinking I need to consider getting a real piano soon so I can improve my skills more. I used to play pretty well, and now I can accompany Twinkle Twinkle and such easily, but the harder stuff is beyond me. I also don’t use the pedal: that was always kind of a mystery and challenge for me. But I’m proud of my students for pushing themselves outside their comfort zone—many of them were VERY nervous, but they played anyway! It’s really all about that: not giving up. People think professionals don’t get nervous. We do. We just deal with it. Just like adults in other fields—I imagine plenty of people get nervous for meetings or presentations at work, and you just do it anyway. Don’t let fear keep you from following your dreams. (I went there.)

Mackenzie is doing well. She loves violin music, as always. It’s great to have such an avid fan!

I’m almost to the point of pulling out my notes and info from our trip and blogging about it. I almost did yesterday but then remembered I had some work to do for something else. And then I needed a little nap and then it was time to teach…but I’m getting there. Chipping away at stuff. Technically this Saturday is a day off work but I’ll be out of town at a wedding. And it’s only one day off.

The rest of the semester should be a blast though. Four quartet concerts, a piano trio concert, a trip to Washington D.C. (to visit my friend April!), Thanksgiving in Phoenix, Christmas in California…plus loads of teaching and other random concerts. It’s all mostly at a manageable level of “busy-ness” so it’ll be good. Somehow September and early October (somehow: Bach Fugue) ended up being like a black hole…

On that note…off to run errands, then teach, practice, and teach. Really looking forward to our concert tomorrow night at Washington University: An Evening with the Schumanns. (Check it out, local readers!)