Category Archives: Weight

Weddings, Weight

My wedding: weight loss incentive

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I’m going to talk about weight loss here.  Don’t read it if that is a trigger for you.

I wrote about body image a few weeks ago.  I wanted to continue along the same lines.

I used to look down on people who wanted to lose weight for their wedding, or for other special events.  After all, why not lose weight just to lose weight or to look great all the time?

Lately I’ve been putting together some old pictures for potential wedding stuff.  And I’ve realized how FAT I used to look.  This is partly because I am incredibly judgmental of myself.  And partly because I WAS fat.

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I am not as fat anymore.  But I still want to lose more weight, as regular blog-readers know.  But I’ve gotten lazy with my diet (not with my workouts though) and it’s harder to be as strict with myself without true incentive.

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(Yes, that’s a garden gnome.)

And gosh darn it, wouldn’t you know that incentive comes from my darned wedding?  I keep seeing pictures of women in wedding dresses…and my eyes go STRAIGHT to their fat.  Is this fair?  No.  Frankly, I’m probably an awful person for it.  But to be a little fair, these aren’t women I know in real life.  I do NOT look at my friends like that of course, in fact, I always find my friends attractive.  We all do, right?  The more you like somebody the more attractive they seem.

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But I don’t want people to see my fat in my wedding pictures.  I want people to see long limbs and muscles.  Well, long muscular arms, and a lovely back, and perhaps a thin face with fairly prominent cheekbones.  Is that too much to ask?  And then, ideally I would stay that way for years and years…

Not that people would think that I looked fat in my wedding pictures.  But I would.  And why not look my best?

But let’s not let my best be my best ever! Always evolving, always improving, right?

I’m winning Mike’s weight loss comp.  Five pounds down since weigh-in day May 31.  Six to go.  I can do this.  But I’ll want more.  (He was perhaps more surprised than I was…but I have actually been doing pretty well.  I’m just really critical.)

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These are all me.  Different years, different hair, different weights.  I can’t throw away the fat pictures of me.

But I can keep there from being any more fat pictures.  And whether that is because of my wedding or because I know I look a lot better now.  And more importantly, feel a lot better.  Nothing brings out confidence like being in great shape.

So here’s the deal:  I’ll lose some weight for my wedding.  But it won’t be JUST for my wedding.  Is that still hypocritical of me?

Practicing, Running, Weight

Summer Retreat Day 5: Body Image

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Before I start today’s post, a few things to keep in mind for the upcoming week:

Tuesday, June 7:  My birthday!  I have some plans with friends, and naturally will tell you all about it later!  It involves a delicious dinner.

Thursday, June 9:  Concert starting at 7:30 pm with Chamber Project St Louis at “The Chapel” (location here).  (This is the group that I was ON TV with in January.)

Recent posts (from the weekend) you should read if you haven’t:

A Night at the Circus

Feeling Good

Okay!  Business concluded.  Now for the fun.

Happy Monday, loyal blog readers.  Today I have a few students and a meeting with a woman who makes invitations.  I am also thinking of either going for a run or hitting the gym for some cardio (if it ends up being just way too hot to run in the afternoon, since I didn’t get up early).  Should be a really great day, though hot.

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I am not entirely up to date on the virtual summer retreat, but I think that’s about par for the course and perfectly acceptable.  I’m doing what I can.  It’s been an odd week—I feel like I’m on summer vacation, yet I still have work and stuff to do.  Plus that constant feeling that I am forgetting something but not being able to recall what it is.

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Anyway, I decided to look over Day 5: Body Image for today.  As a woman, obviously I have body image issues.  On the one hand, I’m in better shape today than I have been since I started dating Chris.  On the other hand, it’s not as if I was happy with my body THEN either.  So it’s a double edged sword.  I’m strong, I’m capable, I can run for miles, I can lift heavy objects, I’m in great health.  I can wear SHORTS in public without worrying too much about it, and I can run wearing only those shorts and a sports bra and feel confident.  But it only takes a look, or a thought, or a pair of jeans that are too tight out of the dryer, for those ugly fat thoughts to reenter my head.  I definitely still think of myself as overweight (even though my BMI is not overweight, it’s still on the top end of the scale) but I want OTHER people to think of me as thin.  (and the most beautiful girl in the room…isn’t that what everybody wants?)

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(yes, I always dress in those colors, why do you ask?)

So, what does the VSR recommend?

writing
write a letter to yourself filled with self-compassion. in part 1, you will forgive yourself on any perceived ‘flaws’, and in part 2, detail the many gorgeous and delicious features you have that you LOVE [both inside and out].

Forgive myself for my flaws?  Is she crazy?  How will I improve them if I forgive myself for them?

Oh, I get it.  I’m supposed to be happy in my skin right now.  Rather than consider myself a work in progress…  I am not sure I’m ready to do that.  I am fine with being positive about some of my “gorgeous and delicious” features, but how can I forgive myself for my flaws?  Do I stop with teeth bleaching and hair removal then?   Start eating cheesecake every day?  Quit the gym?  I’m certainly not ready to do any of those things (though the cheesecake is tempting).

Inside and out?  I can embrace my inside—my sense of humor, my quick wit, my patience with children, my kindness, and my guilt.  Yes, I shall embrace my guilt!  (Guilt over what, you ask?  Why, you name it, anything that I could have done that I haven’t!  Constant sense of guilt!)

Outside…I do love my hair, I love that my teeth whitening is working, I love my smile, I love my eyes, I love my height, and yes, I do love that I can wear shorts this summer.  Do you know the last time I wore shorts comfortably all summer?  Without too many worries of people staring at my fat thighs?

But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to settle yet, do you hear?  I want more defined muscles and a smaller waist.  I will get there.  I hope for smaller thighs and butt too, though we’ll see how genetics serve me there.

And I need to quit biting my fingers.  Less mutilated hands would go a long way.  Chris generally thinks I am beautiful all over…except my fingers.  And you know, negative self-hating thoughts.  Meh.

meditation
5 minutes focused on loving yourself — and forgiving yourself for any perceived ‘imperfections’. [emphasis on the word perceived]

I haven’t really embraced the whole meditation aspect of this retreat…yet.  But maybe practicing the violin is sort of like meditating?  You are alone with your music, focusing on the HERE and NOW and concentrating on yourself.  When I watch myself in the mirror playing, sometimes I notice my strong arms, my nimble and able fingers, and I love the profile of myself playing the violin…I think that is when I am most beautiful.  I also know it’s something I do well, better than most everybody else (statistically speaking, there are really so few excellent violinists in the world, that with a margin of error, I could be considered the best.  You know, with a plus or minus 2 percent or something.)  I feel a great sense of confidence when playing, backed up with years of experience and tens of thousands of hours of practice.

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Haven’t changed that much either!

Food, Running, Weight

Where are your doughnuts?

I usually do the weekly shopping on Tuesday after I meet with Mike at the gym.  Today was no exception.  Usually I get a mix of fruits/vegetables, meats/fishes, breads and rice, some milk, cheese, coffee, etc.  I’ve been trying to do better using up the stuff I freeze and the cabinet stuff, so today I mainly just got fruits/vegetables, some pork for a planned menu dish, coffee and some deli meat/cheese.  As I was unloading my stuff onto the conveyer the woman in front of me says, “Wow, I should have you shop for me with all that healthy stuff!” and the cashier says “Where are your doughnuts?”  I laughed, knowingly.  After all, the doughnuts are at the restaurants!  The healthy food is at home.

Keep in mind, this came after a week where I think I have actually gained three pounds…it’s amazing how in the morning before you PR on a half marathon you can be bothered that you weigh more.  After all, I wanted to lose weight this month, not gain…even if it is just a couple of pounds…even if you “carb-loaded” the night before.  THEN Mike tells me he is trying to “cut 10 pounds” for the half marathon so he will be very grouchy the next two weeks.  Of course…10 pounds in two weeks, that’s healthy right?  I suppose we have different half marathon goals—his is 1 1/2 hours (probably secretly less) whereas mine is 2 1/2 hours, and I can’t run as well if I am starving myself.  But that certainly made me more likely to buy a ton of vegetables at the store! 

So there I am in my gym clothes at the store, as usual…and I’m loading up on broccolini (is that even a real vegetable?), broccoli, spinach, carrots, etc.  And thinking how if MIKE can lose 10 pounds in two weeks, surely I should be able to lose a few pounds and fit into that pair of jeans in the bottom of my drawer that I am continually ALMOST able to button (and somehow still run 11 minute miles for the half on April 9), and my cart is SO full of healthy foods that the cashier actually comments on it…then I suppose I am doing something right…right?  And the scale is just a number, and certainly shouldn’t be the thing that makes me decide whether I feel good about myself or not.

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So I get home and make a large salad with a delicious new honey mustard dressing I’m trying out, and tell myself that the only snack I am allowed between now and dinner is a fruit…and we’ll just have to see how that goes.  I followed a very strict diet from January through November of last year, and since November I have gained approximately 3 pounds, which is actually pretty great (especially since I am in much better shape overall) but now it is so hard to follow a strict diet because I just don’t have as much incentive.  After all, most of my wardrobe fits and looks great, I can do a ton of workouts, I can run 4 to 5 days a week…I’ve run 92 miles this month (1 more to go to meet the goal!)…and honestly I’d rather be a little stronger than thinner…I guess I am still convinced that everybody is looking at my fat and judging me.  (Do people ever do that?  Am I alone in this fear?) 

halfsplits

This is what I need to do to beat 2:30 in the half marathon.  I want to shoot for 11 minute miles.  If it’s not too hot, if I don’t get cramps or side stitches, and if I don’t have to stop to use the bathroom, I know I can do it. 

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I can’t remember the last time I had one of these…years…does anybody remember the Boston Crème Donuts at Presti’s (anybody from ye olde alma mater of CIM, that is)?  

Damn.  Now I really want a doughnut!  Unfortunately I didn’t buy any at the store.  Guess it’ll have to wait.