I always loved my grandmother’s name. I think it’s such a beautiful name, and you don’t hear it THAT often these days. (I’m thinking Dr. Who, Schumann…but do I know any other Claras in real life?)

My Grandma passed away October 30. I hadn’t seen her in over a year, at my uncle Sam’s funeral the summer before. I could say it’s because it is hard to get away and visit people, but I could have made more of an effort, I suppose. When I lived in Cleveland it was only about a 2 1/2 hour drive so I visited my relatives in the area more often, but since moving to St Louis, and then getting divorced, not having children, and feeling like I didn’t quite fit into my extended family…I guess I just didn’t visit quite as often.

My parents were there with her, and my aunts and uncles, and I know that she knew she was loved, and we knew that we were loved as well. One of my aunts shared that one of the last things Grandma said to her was “I love you all.” My heart especially goes out to all my aunts and uncles, and my parents, for their loss. They had her in their lives for so long and she will leave a large hole, but hopefully that hole is filled with love and all the memories.

I wrote this post on facebook, so I’ll share it here, along with a picture of my grandparents with me and the quilt that Grandma made me. I don’t use it, because of the pets…it’s too beautiful and they would destroy it!

I think this was in 2006 or 2007?

Here’s her obituary.

I feel like some connection to the past has been broken, and that now I am suddenly older and my childhood is so much more in the past. Isn’t that weird? I am so lucky in that both my parents are still alive and healthy, and so of course I still have that connection, but I guess now that they are the oldest generation I feel like I am that much closer to being so…it has made me do some soul-searching and thinking about life, and what I want out of it.

I had a thought recently that I had been seeing my life as a linear path, and realized that all along I’d been making choices, just not quite as consciously as I realize I am now. I keep getting distracted by what other people want, what I think other people want, and what society wants, and not listening so much to what I want. Often I’m not even entirely sure what that is…do I want to lie around in bed and read, or do I want to go out and explore a state park, or see a concert or museum? I don’t want to work all the time, but I do enjoy the feeling of a job well done, and I enjoy earning and having the respect of my colleagues and my students. I guess soul-searching is always a good thing, isn’t it?

I will miss you, Grandma. Thanks for being so warm and loving to your grandchildren, and thanks for all the cookies. I will always carry a part of your legacy in my heart.

I sometimes wonder if I’m having a mid-life crisis. I am just busy enough that I do occasionally have time to reflect on how busy I am and wondering if I’m doing this wrong. I think that other people are able to make time to see friends and do things in the evening other than collapse into bed. Then again, based on the memes people put on facebook, I’m not sure if that many people do!

I have a little downtime now. I have students in about 45 minutes, so I thought I’d blog before then. I thought I had a student this morning, but I guess not. I got some practicing done and some errands though, and got a pretty intense workout done before that. I have been listening to the podcast, The History Chicks, while I drive around, and right now it’s about Louisa May Alcott. There was a bit where they talked about how much she loved the outdoors and running around, and such, and I thought to myself that in all honesty, my greatest pleasure is reading a good book. But I do enjoy the outdoors, and I always feel good after I exercise, but those things still require a mild struggle. There is no struggle to sitting down with a book! Louie is the opposite—he totally loves going out, he loves going for a hike or a run. I enjoy seeing new things, I enjoy getting out into the woods and the mountains, and I especially enjoy taking pictures and planning things.

It’s funny, isn’t it, what brings us joy? My cats don’t question these things. We got a new, larger, cat tower, and they don’t worry whether they are enjoying the tower enough. (The answer is, probably not enough yet but I’m hopeful they will use it more once they are used to it). They just are. They scratch, they meow, they sleep, they groom, they don’t seem to worry about anything.

Not that I can be like a cat, because the cats have a me, and I don’t have a me unless I am me. But that I can take some ideas from them: one is to try to enjoy my downtime. Yesterday morning I woke up and was really stressed out, even though I really had the morning free! I ended up not getting to enjoy my downtime as much as if I’d said to myself, yes, you have the morning off, so let’s drink some coffee, let’s read, and let’s not stress out about what comes next.

I don’t want to cut back on my work schedule right now, for a variety of reasons. But I do want to find more joy and enjoyment in my life. Sometimes I feel like the only thing all day that I look forward to is eating and having a drink at the end of the day, and that doesn’t seem quite right. I want to enjoy what I’m doing as I do it (…some students make this easier than others for sure!) and I want to have things in my life that I enjoy, that I look forward to, that I can just do and have fun with.

Granted, my philosophy for life isn’t centered around my own happiness as being the number one, but you read a lot of stuff about “self-care” and how you can’t help others if you aren’t doing okay yourself. And while I don’t think I’m dealing with any real depression right now, I have been feeling a little bit down, and feeling a little bit lonely in the world. I often feel like whatever I do is letting somebody down or upsetting somebody else. I know that that’s probably not quite true, and that I shouldn’t worry so much about other people, but…it’s always easier said than done!

But on the bright side: Louie’s birthday is coming up and we have some fun activities planned. We are heading into the fun part of the year with holiday after holiday. I’m making progress on a variety of home projects. I’m not managing to lose any weight, but I’m getting in much better shape, which is the true goal anyway. I should reevaluate some aspects of my diet, but I’m happy that I’ve gotten into a regular exercise routine again. I decided to treat myself and ordered a few actual paintings from Etsy that I really loved, so I’m looking forward to seeing those in person. And tonight will be pizza at Union Loafers with Louie and a friend (yes, I’m looking forward to food, but also seeing friends). I haven’t been able to get to Union Loafers for pizza in months, so I’m super excited! (It’s my favorite pizza place in town, currently.)

I know I need to focus on the positive. I’ve always struggled with feeling satisfied and finding joy in my life. I’m lucky that I have a full studio, a fairly full gig calendar, a loving partner, two adorable cats, some good friends even though I don’t have time for them, and family around the country that will always be there for me. I’m also lucky that the library lets you borrow ebooks for free, that I paid off my student loans over a year ago, and that the cost of living in my city is low enough that I can make a decent living as a musician. (It helps that I get my health care from my partner, because that is an expense that is MUCH cheaper through his employer.)

That is a lot of good things! So glad we had this talk. Also, I’m wearing a velvet top, which is a great thing about fall—fuzzy tops and sweaters. Related to fall: Louie has never had a pumpkin spice latte. I might have to have us make a stop over the weekend to indulge. He might hate them, but I won’t.

Those are pronounced the same.

Today I only have 4 hours of teaching. I slept in a little bit, worked out, did the usual emailing and checking to make sure I’m up to date enough on things, and prepped some for my weekend activities. I have a little bit of time before I have to go teach a student, so I thought I’d pop in and say hello here!

I’ve been a little down lately—being so busy with work and feeling like I don’t have any time to spend with friends has been difficult. Sometimes I worry I’m working too hard and I’m missing out of some aspects of life that I’ll regret, but I don’t know. I saw a fellow musician on twitter asking others how to deal with work-life balance, and I didn’t weigh in, because the truth is, as I’ve said here lately, I’m choosing to work more rather than life. I’ve tried it the other way and that didn’t really make me happy either, so *shrugs* here we are!

It’s not than I’m unhappy either, it’s just the general blahs. I think the election and the news and all of that are my starting place of mild depression and then everything piles on. I’d love to just ignore what’s happening, but I can’t do that in good conscience, and I can’t do it as a woman. I can’t believe that 41.5 percent of people approve of what our government is doing. Making 5 year olds sign away their rights. Being okay with a reporter being killed. Being okay with women getting raped and assaulted on a daily basis. Being okay with hundreds of immigrant children, many who were here to seek asylum, being locked up in camps, where they are often molested and raped. You can argue that the previous administration also allowed these things to happen, but you would be putting up a false flag, and you would also be saying that you are okay with these things. I am not, regardless of who is committing these atrocities, to be clear. I would link to all of those things, with reputable articles from reputable sources, but google would work just fine for you, and I work 80 hour weeks because I’m worried about my health care, my retirement, and the future of our country.

I hate getting so political, but politics are life for so many. It’s political to be upset about children in cages! It’s political to be upset that women are assaulted and yet the word of the man means more than the word of dozens of women. It’s political to feel that my body should be my own. It’s political to think that my friends should be able to marry the person they love. It’s political to want our planet to have a future! (This, this climate change is something that I can’t even think of, because it seems like we have known for years and decades and nobody freaking cares!)

Enough ranting. It’s a lovely rainy fall day. I always write more when I’m annoyed. This weekend should be lovely, with two concerts to attend, one to play, a festival, a wedding, and festival event for my students. Monday I get the daytime off due to a fall break, and we might go to Shaw Nature Reserve, or something like that. If the rain isn’t too much more—I hate mud!

My cats are adorable, my niece is having a birthday soon (though I can’t attend the party, but I’ll see her in a few months), I have new purple shoes…life is mostly good. Isn’t it funny how I feel the need to convince you that I’m okay? I’M FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE.

I’m trying to decide where to take Louie for his birthday dinner. Any new amazing places with excellent pescatarian options in town?

How’s your day shaping up?