I have this one very distinct memory of my Grandpa on my mom’s side. (We called him Grandpa Miller). He had a stroke when I was in elementary school and was never the same after, and then passed away when I was in college, so my memories of him are from when I was quite young. He had these wonderful old-timey looking glasses, and I recall sitting up front in the middle in a car with a big seat all the way across (this was back in the day when car safety rules were a little different) and he leaned over and said, it’s Christmas Eve Eve! I realized I blogged this story a few years ago…it’s a strong memory I have…is it even true or am I combining things? Who knows! It’s real to me, and I remember my Grandpa was a fun guy, smart, and always had a twinkle in his eye. My Grandma on that side was always laughing too, trying to get us to eat cookies and take sandwiches with us, saying “ai-yiy-yiy” and running around trying to keep everything under control. She also tended to serve cookies people had given her that I didn’t think were very good, like ones with redhots on them, and was also a big fan of jello salad molds and ham loaf. We all thought our Grandma on the other side of the family was a better cook, but we loved both of them and nothing was more fun that when they would join us in a game (board, not reindeer.)

Christmas time always brings up these memories. I’m hosting my family this Christmas, and my sister Leslie and her family are arriving in a few hours, my parents tomorrow, and my sister Carrie the following day. I wanted to make this a wonderful Christmas for my niece Athena, since she might remember it as an adult. I hope she looks back and says, that was a fun time we had in St Louis!

It’s been a busy week. I’ve been getting the house ready, Louie’s been finishing the new shower, and we’ve both been working as well. I have ONE MORE DAY and then I’m on winter break, and it will be glorious. I am completely worn out and running on adrenaline, sugar, and coffee, but honestly, it’s been a fun December. Playing gigs is fun because you see colleagues and I’ve gotten to work with a lot of my favorites this month. I also really enjoy holiday music, because I’m a sap like that. I am looking forward to January though, and relaxing and reconnecting with some friends I haven’t seen much of since before Thanksgiving.

Look at that shiny new shower!

From 2019 Opera Edwardsville (Photo Credit: Scott Evers)

I hope you are having a wonderful second night of Hanukkah, or a wonderful Christmas Eve Eve, or simply a great night enjoying some downtime and/or time with friends. In other words, Happy Holidays! I wish you the best!

One more week of teaching…

I tell you. This December has been the busiest. Maybe because of work, maybe because in between working I’m getting ready to host my whole family (minus my brother) for Christmas…time is flying by, but I’m having a good time preparing, playing a ton of fun gigs, and teaching my students. It’s just…hectic and there’s a lot happening, and my life is full of lists and online shopping.

I’m probably buying too many gifts for people. And baking too many cookies, and having too many decorations, and all of that excess. I know that we are supposed to slow down and have experiences and spend quality time, but the truth is Louie and I work entirely too much for that—he with a full time job and working towards a doctorate, and nobody who hasn’t done that truly understands how much he works outside of work, and me with a variety of part-time jobs that usually add up to about 1 and a half full time jobs, and we are just too busy. I don’t say that to brag or to make you think I’m overwhelmed…it’s just the truth of the matter. So I lie in bed at the end of the day and sometimes just scroll on my phone, and find things online to buy that will make our lives easier in the short term, or something that I want my niece to have, or a little something new to decorate for the holidays because my holiday décor (Christmas mostly, but we are celebrating Hanukkah this year too for Louie) brings me great joy. I sent out photo cards this year, and still have a few to send but most are out, and that brought me joy as well. In fact, most of what I’m doing is bringing me joy because this is my favorite time of year.

I’m not stressed, really. I’m exhausted, and I’m full of thoughts and to-do lists and music and making sure that each night I know what to wear and what to bring for the next day, but I’m not stressed or overwhelmed. I’m just getting it done. I feel grateful I have the opportunity to play so many concerts this month, and I honestly love holiday music. So I’m feeling good, though you are saying, yeah, lady, but you’re writing about this on a Friday night. True. I’m at home, and I didn’t go to Ikea with Louie’s family to celebrate whatever the name of the event there tonight is because I was teaching late, but I also hate crowds, so I’m fine with that. We had the holiday party at my college job today which is my favorite work event of the year (okay, it’s the only work party all year, but it’s great fun to see everybody) and then taught, and now I’m just relaxing and probably going to bed early because tomorrow I have three different things happening from 9:30 am to 10 pm, so it’s a big day!

This isn’t the most recent picture of the décor, so I’ve added a few things: stockings and a star for the tree.

The crowd at Thanksgiving. We went to Louie’s mom’s house and it was a lot of fun, with delicious food.

Anyway, time to relax! And…there’s only 11 more days until vacation…I’m doing a few gigs between Christmas and Epiphany, but I think it’s like two weddings and that’s all. It’ll be a nice time.

I tell you what, if anybody tells you they want to be a musician or self-employed, ask them if they like working all the time. There’s probably another way, but I haven’t found it.

Thursday and Friday of this week were tough. I felt like I was teaching from the wee hours of the morning (8:45 am) until late at night (8:30 am). Well, I was, actually, on Thursday. And Friday wasn’t much better. I had some time off, an hour here, an hour there, lunch, but it was still exhausting. I keep thinking I’d like to try to do a solo recital in the next year and then I wonder, can I manage with my current teaching load without being crazy? (I have been on a more relaxed performing schedule this year, but I would like to do a bit more and push myself in the next year or two or I’m worried I’ll lose my edge.)

I just want to get ready for Christmas and bake stuff, but it’s still too soon, I think. I never get around to all the organizing and decluttering I want to either…my music library is still not done being organized and I think it’s been over a year (or more?) since I started. The truth is I have too much music for the shelves, so I need either more shelves, or less books, and neither of those things are terribly appealing, so I just sit in limbo. We have to get rid of a few more things in the lower level of the house too, large speakers and old files, and who knows what, but that is also a daunting task, and not one one wants to tackle after a long day of work. We do have to make space for Christmas time though, and all the guests we are having, but that’s on the docket to work on during the Thanksgiving break.

I had taken a break from my bullet journaling but started up the other day. I had been using it to work on growing my business and my life, and then this year I just got tired and relaxed, and while it’s actually been quite nice, I’ve started feeling restless, like others are doing things and I look at them and wish that were me. So I’ve been thinking about my next steps and brainstorming. Of course, I’m also still tired…perhaps not as much long term as simply right now. Then again, sometimes I dream of having a few weekends off in a row, or taking a summer off, or having a week of vacation but not spending it hiking and camping…and I don’t know. Am I doing life right or am I wasting it away trying to force small children to play the violin when we’d all rather be doing something else? Then again, I’ve got a studio recital next weekend and they are always fun and inspiring!

It’s not that I’m feeling particularly down or anything. I’m just pondering. I feel like this is a tough time of life for doing things other than working or hanging out with Louie…everybody else is busy with their own careers, partners, children, etc, and sometimes it starts to feel a bit lonely, I guess. Private teaching can be isolating, and since my quartet is on whatever sort of hiatus we are on, I no longer have that weekly interaction. I see other people still doing things with friends and playing chamber music and such and I get a little jealous. But I will remind myself of the cool stuff I’m doing, and just relax and enjoy myself in this time of life.

I don’t even have any good cat pictures to share with you today. How lame am I?

It’s too soon to be overly excited for Christmas, isn’t it? I’m hosting my family this year and I’ve been doing the planning…I am trying to figure out what to cook/bake and YES I know it’s quite awhile away, the time will really fly. I have never regretted planning ahead.

I thought I’d pop in a write something more fun and lighthearted than yesterday’s diatribe. I think as I’ve gotten older I’m more serious (or boring, as my niece Athena would say) and I end up not sounding very fun on the blog. Maybe, at some point, I stopped being fun?

I’m sure that’s not entirely true. It’s also possible that I was never that fun, and I just faked it better. I am perhaps a more genuine person now. I do work too much, but so do we all, or at least, the other people that are at work with me do (last night..at work… I had a conversation with a few others colleagues about how we all work too much…yet, we take great pride in it, and look down on musicians who think working a few hours a day is hard). I don’t know: you hear all these things about how one shouldn’t be too busy or pride oneself on being busy, and that’s all fine and good, but as I repeatedly say, somebody has to do the work, and a lot of this stuff doesn’t pay that great, and I would personally rather work a little more (it takes time, but rarely is this back-breaking work) and do a few more things I enjoy and not stress over bills.

Speaking of bills, I didn’t get my monthly paycheck from one of my college jobs. I usually get paid at the end of the month, and I went to look online to see why I hadn’t gotten a direct deposit notification from my bank, and lo and behold, nothing. Well it turns out somebody made a mistake, and then they asked, are you okay just waiting until the end of this month to get the back pay or should I ask for a special check for you? I realized, nah, I can wait. That’s a good feeling, and to me, money represents security. Working a lot means security, and it also means self-worth. When I work, I feel good about my skills as a musician and teacher, and that makes me feel good about myself overall. It may not be how you operate, but my identity as a musician is so wrapped up in my personal identity, and the two are hard to separate.

It’s not that I don’t have a bunch of other things that I do. In fact, I find that the more I work, the more I am drawn to do more things. I have a bunch of hobbies, nothing crazy like rock-climbing (apparently all the 20 to 30 year olds are into rock-climbing these days), but when I list the things out, there are a lot. I had to write something the other day and I listed reading, cross-stitch, running, hiking, going to concerts, and baking. I should add also taking on volunteer positions with music associations, writing music reviews, almost organizing my music, playing with a very needy cat, writing this blog, decluttering (not a hobby exactly, but an ongoing project when you and especially your boyfriend have hoarding tendencies), and of course, practicing violin. Since writing the other week about how I hadn’t been practicing, I’ve been doing a little better. Etudes are often my go-to when I don’t feel like doing anything else. I think my love of practicing etudes really helps my sightreading!

Anyway, I’ve got some things to do other than be at the computer, so I’d better go. I’ll just leave you with a few cat pictures! Oh, and we finished the Handmaid’s Tale. I felt that seasons two and three were a bit more…well, season three seemed improbable. I don’t want to spoil anything for you. It was good, but seemed like, okay why and how is June still alive? Glad we watched it though!