All posts by hannahviolin

I am a violinist. I also enjoy running, working out, reading, and hanging with my friends and cat.
Running

Winter is coming

5 Comments

Things that make me angry: the idea of naming winter storms.  I believe there was one nicknamed “Nemo” the other week (I’m not on the east coast and I just wasn’t paying attention, much like they aren’t paying attention to us today)…and then I saw on weather dot com that they were calling this storm “Q” and I just got…really angry.  WINTER STORMS ARE NOT HURRICANES.

winteriscoming

(thanks to my student Adam for sending me that most excellent Grumpy Cat picture)

Anyway, yesterday everybody in St Louis was freaking out and canceling stuff in anticipation of today’s storm.  The report was something like, ice, snow, freezing rain, mixed bag, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE GET YOUR ORGANIC MILK AND EGGS.  I had the gym this morning—it was my triumphant return to the fitness wagon, and I figured I’d want to get my workout in before being homebound for what looked to be weeks.

image

View from my front door before going to the gym.

By the way, the gym was awesome.  I did back squats, front squats, incline chest press (with WEIGHTS on the bar, not JUST the bar!), some sort of shoulder or chest move, and pull ups.  We discussed a variety of things, but most notably our feet. 

So you all know I’ve lost a toenail, right?  But did I tell you about my other big toenail?  It’s loose on ONE side but I can’t remove it, but there’s like, this white gunk underneath.  I tried to pick at it with a nail file and I cut the nail really short to try to get at it, and I’ve been cleaning/soaking with rubbing alcohol…but nothing seems to be changing. 

(I would totally post a picture but that would be super gross. Even describing it is gross.)

I decided to ask Mike about it and he said, oh, yeah, I have that too.  So I asked him what he did to fix it and he said, what, fix it? I just leave it.  I told him that having pretty feet and being able to wear sandals was important to me, and he said, “eh, I figure my feet are the sacrifice I make for the rest of me to look like this” and motioned at his body.  (I originally told Chris the story, and embellished that I pretended to vomit at that comment, and he totally called me out.  No, I didn’t. I totally just looked.) 

IMG_0041

(Some day I’ll be able to have pretty feet again…)

That being said, I know some of you readers are runners.  Does anybody have this toenail issue?  I tried to do a google image search but after about 30 seconds I just…couldn’t take it anymore.

Okay, so then I left the gym, and the roads already looked like this…

image_1

(I was stopped at a red light.)

It only took about five to ten extra minutes to get home, but this was before noon.  I understand things got far worse, and it ended up being a delightful snow day (that continues for me, now, as I would still be working.)  I practiced a couple hours for the concert tomorrow (Chamber Project St Louis), I made a serious dent in my email inbox, did dishes, laundry and cooked dinner with Chris, and dyed my hair.  It’s been a wonderful day! 

photo

My wipers are up because evidently that’s the thing to do so they don’t get frozen to your windshield.  We’ll see how well that works and hopefully they don’t get knocked off overnight or something. 

I remember one night driving home in a ridiculous rainstorm (I actually think I was driving home to Cleveland from Rochester, New York after an audition, but it might just have been home from Erie, PA—some of those horrific I-90 drives blend together—).  I had been driving in the pouring rain for a couple of hours, the sort of rain where you are tense and hunched over your car and can’t talk because you are gripping the steering wheel so tightly, and every time somebody passes you you can’t see a thing and you are just sure you are going to die. 

Anyway, I was finally almost home and dropped off whoever I was driving with at their house…and a huge branch fell off a tree, hit my driver’s side windshield wiper, which popped right off.  So then I drove the REST of the way home (five to ten minutes?) leaning over to the passenger side to see out the window.  Why, yes, I WAS in my early 20’s! 

Oh, and hey, really super late, here’s a little write up of our wedding from the people who did our stationary.  I love paper products.  Have I mentioned that quite enough over the years?

If anybody is waiting for post audition thoughts, it’ll be awhile.  I had to lock that away.  Sometimes that’s the healthiest thing to do.  I’ll be happy to answer audition related questions from readers, so fire away. 

And somebody tell me how to fix my toe gunk…I prefer my health problems to be solved by crowd sourcing.

Auditions

Bits and pieces

4 Comments

Oh hey!

Figured I’d just give a quick update on yesterday’s little ol’ audition.  I know why people don’t tell people when they are taking auditions, or especially why people don’t blog about them, because when they come out and name the person who advanced in your round (of 13, 1 out of 13) and it isn’t you, your inclination isn’t to tell the world.

Grumpy Cat, New Years resolutions.

But hey, I’m a blogger, I have to tell the world.  And I’ll write more about the experience later when I have a little more perspective.  I’m less (slightly less) angry than I was last night but only slightly.  Anything I say would be tinged with bitterness.

And tears.  Sometimes I hate being a girl, because of the tears.  After I finished playing I was texting with Chris and I said, so yeah, after the results I’ll probably go cry in the car for awhile and then drive home.  He said, oh, don’t cry!  As if that was an option.

I texted the same thing to my friend Jen, and she said, well, sure, but don’t cry for more than five minutes.  I thought that sounded like a really long time!

I didn’t time it, and in fact I basically held out UNTIL I got home.  So there you have it.  I was too terrified in the parking lot that I would see someone on the committee that I knew and they would be aware of my failure.

This is a great day:  admitting both professional failure and a crying jag on the internet for all to read!

Let’s see.  Bright side…

It is time to reset and get back to life as it was.  This morning I’m taking a rest day, plus my first finger joint hurts oddly, but I’ve got a concert Friday night with Chamber Project St Louis (and the same program the following Friday, so come see us if you are local!)…I’ve got teaching…I’ve got TONS of blog reviews people want me to write (we’ll see about those, but I’ve been reading some fun books and trying some stuff out and I’m just super behind on all of that)…I’ve got an overflowing email inbox which would ordinarily stress me out, but again, I’ll get to it…

Plus I’ve got a half marathon in April (yes, half) that I really need to start running for again.  Not today.  Today is diet and detox and rest, and tomorrow I’m back to working out.  I’m not super happy with what I’m seeing in the mirror and now there are no more excuses for stress eating and skipping workouts. 

(unrelated cat picture—see I’m just fine 😉 )

Is there a shame category to publish this post under?  That’s how I feel.  Even though if I were a friend I’d tell me that auditions suck, everybody hates them, it’s okay, and plus, all that work I put into it will ONLY help me be a better player overall and there’s no negative side of having worked hard…all that stuff you tell your friends because you love them…it’s harder to convince yourself of.  It just feels like I tried to do something and I shouldn’t have bothered and it’s a little embarrassing.  Or why couldn’t I have played better?  How hard would that have been?  Maybe if I hadn’t been sick and missed that week of practice.…

Don’t write platitudes in the comments.  I already know.  Tell me funny stuff to cheer me up instead.  Pretend I have the emotional capability of a small child and if you get me smiling and giggling again everything will be okay 🙂  Bonus points for emailing or posting funny or cute animal pictures.

(I was about to publish this when a friend called.  She was telling me how the author of A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle, spent 12 years trying to get the book published.  She knew it was good but had a hard time convincing anyone else of the book’s value…she kept believing in herself though, and look at how well known the book is now.  I shouldn’t concern myself with people who are just looking for me to make mistakes because they don’t appreciate the BEAUTY I can bring to music.  There’s a wee bit of perspective for you.  Or like my friend Sarah said the night before, I might be selling apples but they want oranges.)

Auditions

Relax. Have Fun.

6 Comments

That’s my mantra for tomorrow’s audition.  Relax.  Have fun.  I’m so NOT a mantra person, but I am doing whatever I can here.  When I was younger, I thought that people in their 30’s (and 40’s) couldn’t possibly be as good as those of us who were younger and had such quick muscles.  Now I know better.  I have never been playing the violin better than I am right now, and no matter what happens tomorrow, that will continue to be true.

(Curious about orchestral auditions—you’ll have to read this blog post I wrote a few years ago to understand more how the system works—or doesn’t work.)

scan0004_thumb

(how big the cat was the last time I took a St Louis Symphony audition…approximately)

I was just thinking, the last time I took a full St Louis section audition (I’ve taken the sub list here and a one year audition, but never for a full position) was in the winter of 2003.  Long time!  Most of us who take auditions have taken a fair amount.  Let’s see—my first professional audition (meaning, for a full time job, not a regional orchestra, because I’ve take tons of those too) was for the Rochester Philharmonic.  I’ve also auditioned in Houston, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Detroit, San Diego and Charlotte (a position I won and left after a few years for a variety of reasons).

image

(several couches and millions of pounds of food later…)

But I’m more ready for tomorrow than ever.  I’m terrified to admit that on the internet, and what bothers me most, is if I don’t advance tomorrow, then I’m just lumped in with all the other fools who didn’t advance.  Not that they are all fools, but there’s such a range, some people who had no business being there in the first place, people who just didn’t play their best, or people who would really be great for the job and just didn’t manage to show the committee that.  I feel like I’m in the last category—I know I would be an asset to the orchestra, to any orchestra, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get that chance.  And I hate just feeling like some idiot who took the audition and didn’t advance, and being lumped in with (actual thing that happened) the woman who, in my last audition, was unable to tune her own violin and ASKED FOR HELP.  But yet we both didn’t advance…and in the eyes of the common bystander, are the same.  Someone who auditioned for the symphony and didn’t advance.  Doesn’t seem quite fair.

photo

(This is also not fair—my sister’s new kitten in black, being cleaned by her old kitty…the cute just isn’t fair!)

That seems like negative thinking though (and maybe a little bit mean :/ ), so I’m going to think positive.  I’m going to go out there, I’m going to stay relaxed, sit back on my heels, focus, and let my preparation shine through.  I am going to be excited to show them how beautifully I play each piece or excerpt they ask for, and I’m just going to have a good time with it.  No matter what they think, if I go out on that stage and enjoy myself, I don’t care.

Well, of course I care.  I care more than just about anything.  But let’s pretend I don’t, because I know the odds here.  I also know that I’m proud of the work I’ve done and my husband is too, and that’s probably, in the greater scheme of things, most important.

Advice from my teacher in college on auditions:  If you drink the night before, don’t drink too much.

(And publishing this post terrifies me:  I have friends that take auditions all the time and it seems like no big deal to them…maybe that’s just them covering up their feelings, or maybe they are just better at it than I am?  I don’t know!  I’m not freaking out or anything, but I’ve been utterly unable to focus on anything else in the past couple of weeks.)

Cat, Food

Sunday Night thoughts (mainly about cats)

1 Comment

Today was the first day I wasn’t filled with time and schedule panic.  I slept in and I have already practiced several hours, along with having watched last week’s two hour Downton Abbey and spending plenty of time chatting with my friends on twitter.  (I lead a full, rich life.)  And here I am, blogging.  CRAZY.

fatcat232

I’m starting to feel like this guy.  Just a fat blob, resting on the couch.  It’s cool though.  She’s pretty freaking adorable, so if I’m half that cute, I’m still okay, I think.

image

(checking out the lovely flower arrangement Chris brought home)

Oh, and Happy (belated) Valentine’s Day to everybody.  We wanted to go out to eat (I know, surprise, us, going out to eat, that’s CRAZY) but we wanted to go somewhere new, so we went to Harvest.  Valentine’s Day is never the best night to go out to dinner, because it’s so ROMANTIC and the service was slow and the menu was a required prix fix menu, but the food was pretty good.  Chris was sad because they ran out of the dessert he wanted (goat cheesecake) but overall we enjoyed our meal.  We’ll probably go back and try the regular menu sometime, so that’s a good recommendation. 

I left my blogging hat at home and didn’t take any food pictures, but I believe Chris had the short ribs and I had something called the “duck reuben” which was really tasty.  Everybody told us to try the bread pudding, that it was to die for, and it was very good, though…I don’t know that it was my favorite.  It was weird because it was obviously made with the same bread that they had served on the table so it felt like I had already had it.  Though the caramel sauce was delicious.

photo

(my true valentine)

Even though generally we will sit in the same house for hours without talking, I’m always pretty proud of our ability to carry on a good conversation in public 😉  Is that weird?  When we were in Paris, we ate (very early) at a restaurant with only one other couple there at the time, and they weren’t talking.  It was totally weird!  We felt STRANGE having a conversation when they were just sitting there all disgruntled and awkward.  To be fair, lots of people were talking at Harvest and there were lots of awkwardly dressed couples which made for excellent people watching. 

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This week is going to be stress city, but I feel fantastic.  No matter what happens on Tuesday in the audition, I know that I sound really good, that I can play the HECK out of my excerpts, and as long as I don’t freak out, I should have a good audition.  The results are irrelevant and out of my hands, but I can control how well I play and how I feel, and that’s my main goal.  I’ve done the prep (and a bit more left to do, but I KNOW everything really well) and all that’s left is to perform.  I’m ready to get back to real life as well, but I’m trying not to think like that.

Oh, and Friday night at 7 pm I’m performing with Chamber Project St Louis at the St Louis Art Museum.  Come out and see me play!

Oh, and my sister Leslie and her husband got a new kitten.  I’m totally jealous and trying to lobby Chris to let me get a new kitten (or dozen).  So far he is pretty convinced that it’s not the greatest idea at this time, but I bet I can wear him down.

Auditions, Performing, Practicing

DON’T PANIC

3 Comments

I finally had a quick urge to come tell you guys how I’m doing, and then Windows Live Writer (the program I use to write my blog posts) wouldn’t OPEN!  I briefly panicked, and tried to open it a whole bunch of times, and kept getting error messages, then I started to do a Google search, realized I didn’t have time to get into a fancy computer problem because I’m already an hour late on my practice schedule (which is fine, it just means I HAVE to, absolutely HAVE to practice tonight after teaching)…anyway, then magically about three windows opened up, so here we are.

dontpanic

My teacher once (or more than once) said, the most important things at an orchestral audition are rhythm, intonation, rhythm, and rhythm.  Others have argued for more intonations.  But yesterday I think I actually started to get the whole “something special” idea…

If you’re not a musician, you’ve probably already stopped reading.  But in a nutshell, I’m trying to get everything on my list (which includes a couple of solo concertos and then a whole bunch of excerpts from the orchestra literature, i.e. Brahms Symphony no. 4, 1st violin part, measure 392 to the end) in tip top shape.  I’m practicing with a drone, I’m practicing ever so slowly, I’ve broken everything down to get the precise rhythm, bowing, and sound that I want…and now I’m putting it back together.

The trick is to put it back together so that it doesn’t sound like you are worried about rhythm or intonation.  To play in a way that makes it sound as if you are absolutely throwing caution to the wind WHILE playing with wonderful sound and intonation and rhythm.  And while you are absolutely focused on the tiniest of details, you must make it sound like you are just thinking about the long lines and the long phrasing…something that I do much more naturally outside of audition preparation because I am actually less focused on the details (maybe that’s a major fault of mine in other performances, but I can’t worry about that right now).

Plus there’s the audition scene—it’s like the Olympics. you have to be in the zone, you have to focus, you have to do the whole Michael Phelps, have your headphones in, ignore everybody and just do your thing that you’ve been training for…and then in a couple of minutes you’re done. 

This post probably doesn’t even make any sense because I’m just rambling, and I’m overwhelmed, and I should already be practicing.  I’ll be okay in a few more days though, that’s all.  The other day I was having a minor breakdown from the stress, and I asked Chris if it had been like this in the past—he said he didn’t remember.  Musicians do this sort of thing all the time, but I think as I’ve gotten older I am putting more pressure on myself.  Or I was too young to know better.  Or I’ve just forgotten how being under intense stress all the time felt?  Anyone want to weigh in on that?

Random thoughts

I know I’ve made this joke a bunch, but really, what is a weekend?

1 Comment

Is that title too long?  Mike asked me this morning how my weekend was.  I laughed at him.  WHAT?

image

In the pit at Winter Opera St Louis. 

image_1

Me in the pit.  My friend Sarah caught me taking a selfie and she may have mocked me mercilessly and used the phrase “duck face.”  I think you can tell that’s not a duck face, right?  That’s just my face, and I consider self portraits to be important documentation of what is happening in my life.

photo

So so much of this.  Drone, drone, drone, slow practice, slow practice, slow practice.

image_2

A new addition to the fridge—a postcard from Carrie in Norway.  Welcome back Carrie!

I’m dropping the marathon.  I’m only running the half.  I had too much going on, and I had to make some choices.  I chose the audition and work.  Everything else had to go.  I’ll start catching up next Tuesday.  Considering that I haven’t actually run since my race in January…yeah.

photo (11)

This was me texting my sister Leslie that I was dropping down to the half in April.  I’m the one in blue.

And with that…