All posts by hannahviolin

I am a violinist. I also enjoy running, working out, reading, and hanging with my friends and cat.
Deep Thoughts

Tosca

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I’ve been busy all week rehearsing this:

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This Friday night and Sunday afternoon Winter Opera St Louis is performing Tosca.  I HIGHLY recommend the show because the singers are AMAZING.  Plus the orchestra (I’m concertmaster) is not bad…in fact I think we sound pretty good and this is one of the first times I’ve really insisted to Chris that he come (he always does if he’s free anyway, which is rare because the symphony usually performs during the same times, but this time I think it’s a MUST SEE!).  Visit Winter Opera St Louis for more information, okay?

Also that theme you see is constantly in my head.  My friend Sarah got mad at me last night because I kept singing it out loud.  Oh well, better than Lord of the Rings, right?  (Different.)

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I’ve been trying to keep up the practicing.  I think that’s another reason I haven’t been blogging as much (other than being a little depressed and not having a whole lot to say).  I made my first Target trip in over a month and got new socks and a new gray sweater. 

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I didn’t buy this card, but I love it.  “It’s every Irishman’s delight!” Though I prefer the spelling Moustache to Mustache.  My spell check tells me both are acceptable.

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When you aren’t preparing for an audition you have more time for etudes.  I thought working on one with a bunch of flats would be good practice for the opera.  It’s so challenging to play in the tune in the keys with so many flats, but SO important to not play sharp.

I love being back into working out.  My legs are sore and I feel great because of it. 

I’m working really hard to get back to feeling like myself.  It bothers me most because I think it’s primarily “just” in my head (which I know isn’t a just thing) and other people have actual problems.  Or I do have actual problems…I just don’t even know anymore.  I think it’s probably a good thing I have a spring break pretty soon.  Maybe I’ll be able to sort some stuff out.  I’m just tired of being sad and angry.

Auditions, Cat

Post Audition Stress Disorder

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I feel like I’m going through post-audition stress disorder.  It’s where you feel like everything you’ve been doing is all wrong and that you are a complete loser and you might as well find a new career.  That switches between, oh, hey, I’ll be great, and I can’t wait for the next audition and I just need to work a little bit harder…and then you think, how can I possibly do that, I’m so exhausted, I’ve never been in better shape and really, everybody can just bite me. 

I thought after the audition I’d be back to my normal self, but I’m still just so behind on everything and I feel like I’m walking around in a fog half the time. 

I’m sure it’ll pass soon.  What do you guys do when you’re in a funk and you feel like a failure? Or worse, you feel like this is just as good as it’s going to get career wise…

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The Book of Mormon was awesome last weekend. Definitely worth missing the Oscars for 😉

Then I spent a day just documenting my cat’s activities all day long.  Well, I also did other stuff that day, but every time I saw her…(from the moment I woke up to when I went to bed)…

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I can’t say I’m not jealous.

Cat, Running

Pictures of my cat and some blabbing about 80’s themed races and other stuff too

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Quick reader poll:  do you read my blog FOR the cat pictures, or DESPITE the cat pictures?

(note: I will not change anything based on this poll. please respond in the comments)

The other day the cat spent all day on the bed.  Yesterday she spent all day on the couch.  Today it’s the bed again.

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I had a workout with Mike today.  We are all (well, Jen, Mike, and I) getting excited about the Benton Park 80’s 5K, this year on June 1. 

We’ve run it two years in a row and are shooting for the third year.  (first year, second year, well worth checking out for the pictures)

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I’m hoping Chris will run and some other people (local readers come on out, and of course it’s totally worth flying in for as well, ROSE…) too.  This means we have to do a couple of important things:

1) Start thinking about costumes, of course

2) Get Mike, to perhaps win this year rather than coming in second again to the same guy.  We brainstormed ideas that might improve his time and help him win: great ideas, like, speed work and dropping weight, or “taking care of” the previous winner Tonya Harding style, or perhaps just showing up for the race slightly less hungover…all valid ideas at this point.  (except that second one.) Also helpful, mantras like “second place is the first loser”…also I’m trying to get other fast people to run to really put the heat on him. 

The good news is that I’ve run TWICE this week, approximately 2 miles each time and the second run was far better than the first.  Mike suggested I try for 3 to 4 miles since, after all, I was able to run a half marathon just over a month ago and I should be able to do more than that.  You’d think. 

Thoughts after the other day’s post.  I’m trying not to let negative thoughts get me down.  Let’s just put February behind us and try again, shall we?

Deep Thoughts

Getting the gist of myself

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I read a friend’s blog post the other day and she wrote the line “To me, it is very difficult to get the gist of myself.”  That really struck a chord with me.  I don’t like to veer too negative or TOO personal here on the blog, because I’m just not comfortable with those things…we’ll just say that it’s been a challenging week and perhaps before that too.  I feel a little unlike myself.

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Yesterday for instead.  I got up.  I met a friend for lunch.  I was supposed to go to a blogger meet up and I just suddenly felt entirely overwhelmed.  I just couldn’t.  Sometimes I get horrific society anxiety, and the idea of talking to a bunch of virtual strangers (one person there I would know) just pushed me over the edge and I sat in my car crying for a bit.  Yeah, great, right?!

I went home instead and played violin for two hours (which was GLORIOUS because I am in fantastic violin shape right now and I feel like I’ve never been able to play better).  Friday night was a similar thing—after the concert I had originally made plans to go hang out with the girls, but I just couldn’t deal with the idea of all the people.  I went home and waited for Chris to get off work instead.  Lame, but…I guess it’s just something I’m dealing with.  I think the feeling that here, we are still struggling to put our careers together, and it’s such a disgusting horrific struggle…that I just don’t want to deal with people.  Or maybe I’m just depressed.  I’m not a psychiatrist, I can only attempt to self diagnose.

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That said.  Don’t start calling in the men with white jackets just yet.  I’m really good at faking it.  So I figured, you know what, I need to get my butt out there for a run.  I ran for 1.5 miles and it was just awful.  I wanted to puke for most of the run and stopped to walk a couple times too.  I had to run in the street to avoid the icy sidewalks and honestly, my running tights were a little snug.  But I did it.  My first run since that race in January that WENT SO WELL.  Because it DID. It was great, and then I got sick, and then I got sick again, and in the meantime I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

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And then I did feel a little better.  Maybe it’s feeling like I’m in control of a few things.  I can play violin, I can work out, I can lose those few pounds I’ve gained in the past weeks (at least) due to stress eating.  Sure, a lot of things are out of my control, but not everything.

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It’s funny then, you make one good decision, it’s easy to make a few more.  I made a healthy lunch, put together some chicken in the crockpot for dinner, and suddenly had a lot more energy.  Now I’m off to practice a bit before I teach.  I’m not saying I’m suddenly magically feeling amazing or even really that great, just that I’m not feeling like a big pile of you know what.  So there you have it.  Happy Monday!

Oh, and this is all pretty personal stuff.  Writing helps, so I hope you enjoy reading it!

Random thoughts

Chamber Project St Louis at the Art Museum

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The chamber group I play with occasionally, Chamber Project St Louis, performed at the St Louis Art Museum last night.  We are repeating the concert this next Friday (I included this and next to be super clear that I’m not talking about yesterday, how’s that for grammar?) at the Chapel (visit CPSTL‘ s website for more information on all of that.) 

The concert poster.

Last night’s venue.

Warming up amongst the art.  My stand was behind the LINE but no guards yelled at me.

Performing one of the pieces.  That’s my friend Laura standing because the piece (Derek Bermel’s Soul Garden) was for viola and string quintet, which meant her part was more important and we thought she should stand up to reflect that.  She sounded great.

Jen and Vince playing some Piazzolla.

If you are local and don’t have plans next Friday night, I’d recommend you come see me (us) play!  The tickets are very reasonable ESPECIALLY since they include two drinks (alcohol AND non-alcoholic beverages are offered.)  If you have any questions, feel free to ask, but remember, it’s a concert for everyone, not just classical music buffs.  Plus I’ll be wearing more color for the next one, which should be incentive enough.  Maybe I’ll wear purple.

Running

Winter is coming

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Things that make me angry: the idea of naming winter storms.  I believe there was one nicknamed “Nemo” the other week (I’m not on the east coast and I just wasn’t paying attention, much like they aren’t paying attention to us today)…and then I saw on weather dot com that they were calling this storm “Q” and I just got…really angry.  WINTER STORMS ARE NOT HURRICANES.

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(thanks to my student Adam for sending me that most excellent Grumpy Cat picture)

Anyway, yesterday everybody in St Louis was freaking out and canceling stuff in anticipation of today’s storm.  The report was something like, ice, snow, freezing rain, mixed bag, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE GET YOUR ORGANIC MILK AND EGGS.  I had the gym this morning—it was my triumphant return to the fitness wagon, and I figured I’d want to get my workout in before being homebound for what looked to be weeks.

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View from my front door before going to the gym.

By the way, the gym was awesome.  I did back squats, front squats, incline chest press (with WEIGHTS on the bar, not JUST the bar!), some sort of shoulder or chest move, and pull ups.  We discussed a variety of things, but most notably our feet. 

So you all know I’ve lost a toenail, right?  But did I tell you about my other big toenail?  It’s loose on ONE side but I can’t remove it, but there’s like, this white gunk underneath.  I tried to pick at it with a nail file and I cut the nail really short to try to get at it, and I’ve been cleaning/soaking with rubbing alcohol…but nothing seems to be changing. 

(I would totally post a picture but that would be super gross. Even describing it is gross.)

I decided to ask Mike about it and he said, oh, yeah, I have that too.  So I asked him what he did to fix it and he said, what, fix it? I just leave it.  I told him that having pretty feet and being able to wear sandals was important to me, and he said, “eh, I figure my feet are the sacrifice I make for the rest of me to look like this” and motioned at his body.  (I originally told Chris the story, and embellished that I pretended to vomit at that comment, and he totally called me out.  No, I didn’t. I totally just looked.) 

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(Some day I’ll be able to have pretty feet again…)

That being said, I know some of you readers are runners.  Does anybody have this toenail issue?  I tried to do a google image search but after about 30 seconds I just…couldn’t take it anymore.

Okay, so then I left the gym, and the roads already looked like this…

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(I was stopped at a red light.)

It only took about five to ten extra minutes to get home, but this was before noon.  I understand things got far worse, and it ended up being a delightful snow day (that continues for me, now, as I would still be working.)  I practiced a couple hours for the concert tomorrow (Chamber Project St Louis), I made a serious dent in my email inbox, did dishes, laundry and cooked dinner with Chris, and dyed my hair.  It’s been a wonderful day! 

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My wipers are up because evidently that’s the thing to do so they don’t get frozen to your windshield.  We’ll see how well that works and hopefully they don’t get knocked off overnight or something. 

I remember one night driving home in a ridiculous rainstorm (I actually think I was driving home to Cleveland from Rochester, New York after an audition, but it might just have been home from Erie, PA—some of those horrific I-90 drives blend together—).  I had been driving in the pouring rain for a couple of hours, the sort of rain where you are tense and hunched over your car and can’t talk because you are gripping the steering wheel so tightly, and every time somebody passes you you can’t see a thing and you are just sure you are going to die. 

Anyway, I was finally almost home and dropped off whoever I was driving with at their house…and a huge branch fell off a tree, hit my driver’s side windshield wiper, which popped right off.  So then I drove the REST of the way home (five to ten minutes?) leaning over to the passenger side to see out the window.  Why, yes, I WAS in my early 20’s! 

Oh, and hey, really super late, here’s a little write up of our wedding from the people who did our stationary.  I love paper products.  Have I mentioned that quite enough over the years?

If anybody is waiting for post audition thoughts, it’ll be awhile.  I had to lock that away.  Sometimes that’s the healthiest thing to do.  I’ll be happy to answer audition related questions from readers, so fire away. 

And somebody tell me how to fix my toe gunk…I prefer my health problems to be solved by crowd sourcing.